[Intro]
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A lot of people ask me stupid fuckin questions
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A lot of people think that what I say on a record
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Or what I talk about on a record
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That I actually do in real life or that I believe in it
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Or if I say that I wanna kill somebody
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That Im actually gonna do it or that I believe in it
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Well, shit, if you believe that, then Ill kill you
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You know why? ‘Cause Im a criminal!
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Criminal! Youre goddamn right
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Im a criminal! Yeah, Im a criminal!
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[Verse 1]
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My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
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Thatll stab you in the head, whether youre a fag or lez
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Or a homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest
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Pants or dress, hate fags? The answers yes
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Homophobic? Nah, youre just heterophobic
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Starin at my jeans, watchin my genitals bulgin (Ooh!)
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Thats my motherfuckin balls, youd better let go of em
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They belong in my scrotum, youll never get hold of em!
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“Hey, its me, Versace! Whoops, somebody shot me!
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And I was just checkin the mail, get it? Checkin the male?”
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How many records you expectin to sell
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After your second LP sends you directly to jail?
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Come on, relax, guy! I like gay men
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Right, Ken? Give me an amen! (A-men!)
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“Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus
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Heal this child, help us destroy these demons
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Oh, and please send me a brand new car
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And a prostitute while my wifes sick in the hospital”
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Preacher, preacher! Fifth grade teacher!
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You cant reach me, my mom cant neither
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You cant teach me a goddamn thing cause
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I watch TV and Comcast cable
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And you aint able to stop these thoughts
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You cant stop me from toppin these charts
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And you cant stop me from droppin each March
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With a brand new CD for these fuckin retards (Duh)
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And to think, its just little ol me
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Mr. Dont-Give-a-Fuck still wont leave
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[Chorus]
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Im a criminal!
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‘Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think its a crime
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To tell em whats on my mind, I guess Im a criminal!
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I dont gotta say a word, I just flip em the bird
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And keep goin, I dont take shit from no one
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Im a criminal!
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‘Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think its a crime
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To tell em whats on my mind, I guess Im a criminal!
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I dont gotta say a word, I just flip em the bird
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And keep goin, I dont take shit from no one
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[Verse 2]
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The mother did drugs, hard liquor, cigarettes and speed
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The baby came out, disfigured ligaments, indeed
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It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she
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Dont dare make fun of that baby, cause that baby was me
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Im a criminal, an animal caged who turned crazed
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But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you werent raised?
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So as I got older and I got a lot taller
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My dick shrunk smaller, but my balls got larger
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I drank more liquor to fuck you up quicker
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Than youd wanna fuck me up for sayin the word—
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My morals went *thhbbpp* when the president got oral
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Sex in his Oval Office on top of his desk off of his own employee
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Now, dont ignore me, you wont avoid me
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You cant miss me: Im white, blonde-haired, and my nose is pointy
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Im the bad guy who makes fun of people that die
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In plane crashes and laughs as long as it aint happenin to him
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Slim Shady, Im as crazy as Em-
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-inem and Kim combined (The maniacs in)
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In place of the Doctor cause Dre couldnt make it today
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Hes a little under the weather, so Im takin his place (Mm-mm-mmm!)
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Oh, thats Dre with an AK to his face
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Dont make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place
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I told you, Dre, you shouldve kept that thang put away
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I guess thatll teach you not to let me play with it, eh?
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Im a criminal!
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[Skit]
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MEL-MAN: Aight, look
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EMINEM: Uh-huh
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MEL-MAN: Just go up in that motherfucker, get the motherfuckin money and get the fuck up outta there
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EMINEM: Aight
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MEL-MAN: Ill be right here waitin on you
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EMINEM: Aight
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MEL-MAN: Yo, Em
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EMINEM: What?!
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MEL-MAN: Dont kill nobody this time
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EMINEM: Awwright… goddamn, this motherfucker gets on my fuckin nerves!
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{*Whistling*} How you doin?
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TELLER: Hi, how can I help you?
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EMINEM: Yeah, I need to make a withdrawal
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TELLER: Okay
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EMINEM: Put the fuckin money in the bag, bitch, and I wont kill you!
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TELLER: What? Oh my God, dont kill me!
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EMINEM: Im not gonna kill you, bitch, quit lookin around
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TELLER: Dont kill me, Ive got two kids at home dont kill me!
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EMINEM: I said Im not gonna fuckin kill you
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TELLER: Dont kill me!
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EMINEM: Hurry the fuck up! {*Gunshot*} Thank you!
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[Verse 3]
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Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it (Go, go, go!)
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So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it
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So Ill be disguised in it and if anybody identifies
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The guy in it, I hide for five minutes
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Come back, shoot the eyewitness
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Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business
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Die bitches, bastards, brats, pets
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This puppys lucky I didnt blast his ass yet
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If I ever gave a fuck, Id shave my nuts
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Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck
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You motherfuckin chickens aint brave enough
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To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut
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Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up
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To make you mad, so kiss my white naked ass
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And if its not a rapper that I make it as
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Ima be a fuckin rapist in a Jason mask
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[Chorus]
~#**************#~
Im a criminal!
~#**************#~
‘Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think its a crime
~#**************#~
To tell em whats on my mind, I guess Im a criminal!
~#**************#~
I dont gotta say a word, I just flip em the bird
~#**************#~
And keep goin, I dont take shit from no one
~#**************#~
Im a criminal!
~#**************#~
‘Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think its a crime
~#**************#~
To tell em whats on my mind, I guess Im a criminal!
~#**************#~
I dont gotta say a word, I just flip em the bird
~#**************#~
And keep goin, I dont take shit from no one
~#**************#~
[Chorus]
~#**************#~
Im a criminal!
~#**************#~
‘Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think its a crime
~#**************#~
To tell em whats on my mind, I guess Im a criminal!
~#**************#~
I dont gotta say a word, I just flip em the bird
~#**************#~
And keep goin, I dont take shit from no one
~#**************#~
Im a criminal!
~#**************#~
‘Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think its a crime
~#**************#~
To tell em whats on my mind, I guess Im a criminal!
~#**************#~
I dont gotta say a word, I just flip em the bird
~#**************#~
And keep goin, I dont take shit from no one
~#**************#~
[Outro]
~#**************#~
(I am) Im a criminal!